The Birth Story

My due date came and went and I was still pregnant. We went from an excited "it could be any day now" feeling to a disappointment and concern. I even started to give up - I had dreams at night that the baby left my belly and went to another person - that he'd changed his mind about being with us.

On January 28, 8 days after he was "supposed" to come, I went in for a checkup with the midwife. She said she would have to make an appointment for me to be induced in 2 days at which point my loosening mind could no longer talk itself into staying together. I nodded and accepted, then left the building and cried for 2 hours in the parking lot. It was like I had failed and that the people who had been helping me along the way expected me to fail. Then, as always happens when something is pushed too far, I snapped back. They can't induce me if I don't show up. So I called the midwife back and said I was sorry but I was not going to go to that appointment, and after much haggling, finally won. My dear husband spent the whole afternoon with me, bought me primrose oil and a wholefoods blueberry muffin that my sister swears made her go into labor.

That night, I sat and stewed and realized I had so many issues. This impending birth was swimming in my fears and past and stories... I had been preparing for a natural birth, training my mind to find it peaceful and pleasurable, though I had never done it before and didn't know how so wasn't sure if I was training right. During my own birth, labor was induced - it was long and painful and the mother went crazy afterward and I have always tried to be nothing like her. And there I was, teetering so maddeningly on the edge of making my first step into motherhood the same first step she took.

So I called my dad. I couldn't ask the question I really had in my mind, so I said something polite and appropriate like, "tell me about my birth, dad." But he must have known, so he answered my real question. He told me I was nothing like her and specifically detailed the differences between our lives and who we are. I felt peace after that, like I could move forward. I can still feel the essence of that evening, glowing with intense emotion and red light.

That night, around midnight, I felt contractions start, the same as in every night for the previous 10 days. They wouldn't let me sleep so I got up and walked. Around 1:30, I began to feel the slightest hope that these weren't Braxton Hicks, but I wasn't about to count on it. But they were intense enough that I thought this was a good opportunity to practice for the real thing so I started trying out different things. I got into a warm bath - it felt really good but restricted my movement, so I had to keep getting out. I turned on my meditation tape but it made me vomit. I tried some belly dancing. Around 3:00 am it occurred to me that this was probably labor, and at 3:30 I had no further reason to doubt that, so I called Lily and Jayme to give them a "heads up" that some time today, I would probably have a baby and to go back to sleep since this was still the beginning. (Labor lasts 18 hours, right?) I was alone in my silent dark house. As the contractions became stronger, I found the best way to get through them was by laying my head down on my arms (on the back of the couch, kitchen bar, etc) slightly bent over with my legs bouncing beneath me. In between contractions, I was doing a load of laundry - trying to clean up the vomit. Sometime after calling Jayme, maybe 3:45, I woke my sleeping husband and said, "honey, I think we're having a baby today" and continued bouncing.

I could never describe the feeling as painful. At the top of each contraction, there was a moment - I have no idea but maybe 20 seconds - where I could see why women want epidurals. But then that moment would fade and I was washed over with rushing warmth and euphoria, followed by an open sea of peace. And so I bounced and rested through these cycles.

I had been bouncing in my bathroom when I felt a subtle change, like a shift of pressure inside me and I told Peep to call the midwife. I talked with her on the phone and said I felt pressure and thought I needed to go to the hospital. She sat there through one of my moaning contractions and I said "that was a contraction". She told me to stay home and keep timing my contractions (I had not been). It felt wrong, but she was the expert. Peep started timing, though I was oblivious of him (they were in fact 2 to 3 minutes). Then I felt the urge to push and I realized with horror just how far along we were. I had been waiting for the pain to become unbearable - up to that point, it had been so nice - what I thought was the prologue had in fact been the whole play and here it was already the end and I was not at all ready!! Peep heard me say "I want to push" and flew into his own parallel panic. He readied things in the car (having only been himself awake 20 -30 minutes).

I called the midwife and said "I am coming now" (no matter what you say!) I managed to put some clothes on, while my water broke on the floor and I saw blood. The water breaking felt good - it felt like the release of pressure , satisfying like scratching an itch is satisfying. And I kept wanting to push, and I could feel the baby coming down and there I was still in my bathroom. Everything in my body and heart wanted me to stay right where I was and finish this - I couldn't go; I couldn't leave. And then my mind engaged and I took a look at my situation and laid out my choice: I could have the baby here, but did I want that? My husband would be panicked, this was not what we planned - we would be all alone. And I decided to try go to the hospital, even though I might not make it.

So I crawled/shuffled/pushed myself out of the house, with no shoes, and tumbled into the front seat of Peep's car, where I kneeled down with my back to the windshield and my arms around the headrest and he drove. I remembered that you can blow to prevent yourself from pushing, so I was blowing and blowing with every thing I had - but I felt the baby progressing anyway. After an eternity, we made it to the hospital doors and I felt so relieved. Peep drove straight to the entrance and said "Just wait here while I bring you a wheelchair" to which I replied through my breathing, "I'm not waiting" and stumbled out. Peep had my elbow and I was barely on my feet and we somehow managed to cover the hallways and finally I was where I was supposed to be. Peep went to move the car.

In seconds, I was on the bed with several nurses and my midwife, busying around me and gazing expectantly between my widespread legs. We were all ready, but now we were waiting for Peep- I was blowing and blowing - and then he came, and finally I was allowed to birth my baby. It was wonderful. It was like singing out my heart's desire to an adoring and admiring audience. I told everyone to be quiet and let me do my thing. A few pushes and he was out at 4:58 am: Perfect, plump, with big open peaceful blue eyes. The nurses told me I was on that bed less than 10 minutes.